I appreciate your input on this issue, Holly. Although it's very different
from Kathy's, it's all valid and does not disregard her experiences. But,
as the adoptive parent to two girls, I'm glad that other birth/first
mothers
have different experiences.
--
Jamie
Earth Angels:
Taylor Marlys, 1/3/03 -- Who's got the Christmas spirit, singing all day
long, "You put one foot in front of the other, and soon you'll be walking
out the doooo-oooo-ooor!
Addison Grace, 9/30/04 -- My Little Ham, who smiles so big her eyes
disappear and she says, "Cheese" on command. Although it sounds more like
"eeeeeesssshhh"!
Check out the family! -- www.MyFamily.com, User ID: Clarkguest1,
Password:
Guest
Become a member for free - go to Add Member to set up your own User ID and
Password
"Holly Sox" <jmsjr@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> wrote in message
news:ds121u$7jp4$1@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
>
>
> --
>
>
>
> Meagan787@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> wrote
>
>>(snip)
>> >
>> While they are not the same in some ways, they are the same in this
>> way.
>> It will always involve a loss for the child. He loses his right to be
>> raised in his family of origin.
>
> Kathy,
>
> I am having a hard time with this statement. While I guess I can see
the
> concept of an adoptee's "right to be raised in his family of origin", I
> also
> think that this is one of the situations where sometimes what is best
for
> a
> child has to outweigh this right. I became pregnant at 19, as the result
> of
> a rape. I was in college, living at home with a mentally ill mother and
> enabling father who were the king and queen of dysfunctionality. I
believe
> that life begins at conception, and would not abort. But I believed then
> (and believe now) that my daughter's right to be raised in a stable,
> secure
> environment with enough money and enough maturity and without the
baggage
> of
> the cir***stances of her conception far outweighed any need or desire
that
> I
> had to attempt to raise her. I have to admit that I have never until now
> thought about the idea of her having a right to be raised by me.
>
>
>
> >His siblings lose their brother or
>> sister, he loses his rights. Open adoption does nothing to remove that
>> truth. Therefore, adoption is the same. It is full of losses for the
>> adoptee and should only be done if truly necessary.
>
> Okay, who is determining the necessity of the adoption? My mother was
> very
> much opposed to my relinqui****ng my daughter. But I felt that it was
the
> best chance for both of us to get to grow up.
>
>
> (snip)
>> Therefore,
>> relinquishment should always be done as a last resort. It is often,
>> and still is today, a permanent solution for a tem****ary problem. Too
>> much of a crapshoot for the child.
>
>
>
> Wow. This really bothers me. Because if relinquishment is done only as
a
> last resort, how long does the birth mother get to really screw things
up
> before it's considered okay? I knew that I was not ready to be anyone's
> mother. I was immature. I was an incipient alcoholic/addict. I was an
> emotional wreck. How much of a mess should I have made of things by
trying
> to raise my daughter before I threw in the towel?
>
> The entire situation is fraught with emotion. No one can make the
decision
> for another person, and no one should second-guess the decisions that
are
> made by birth parents or adoptive parents. This thread has been very
> interesting and eye-opening for me. It has stirred me to consider ideas
> that I have never thought of before. It's amazing to me how people can
go
> through a similar experience and come away with vastly different
emotions
> about it.
>
> Thanks for talking this out with us. I know it has helped me. I hope it
> helps Vicki (the original poster on this thread) in her decision-making.
>
> Best regards,
> Holly
>
>
>>
>> Placing a child is never a
>> > walk in the park, don't get me wrong. I am not saying that it's
easy.
> Just
>> > that hopefully there is more choice involved for many of today's
>> > birthmothers, and they don't feel violated, forced, or traumatized.
>>
>> I think today's adoptions present a whole another set of issues for
>> mothers who relinquish.
>> There is no guarantee that the adoption will stay open or it will be a
>> better thing for her child. In fact, it could close the minute the ink
>> is dry on the final papers. In theory, there is not more choice for
>> today's bmoms who are placing newborns. An adoption is an adoption, a
>> loss is a loss, and that does not make it full of more choice or less
>> trauma for anyone.
>> She can choose the 'ideal' candidates for her child as parents, but
>> there is no guarantee that they will be better equipped to parent, or
>> in reality be a better parent than she will be for her child. There is
>> no guarantee seeing her child raised by another will make her feel less
>> traumatised or violated. I can think of many ways relinquishment today
>> is still being forced, and with that force will often come with much
>> trauma and violation. Too many adoptions today are being made on the
>> promises of open adoption. What a farce. It's a cheap marketing ploy,
>> a carrot dangled in the prospective birth parent's face to get her to
>> give up her baby. How many adoptive parents really do not want an open
>> adoption but feel they must say they do because they are desperate to
>> have a family? If there is one, it is too many.
>>
>>
>> I'm not
>> > saying you do.
>> >
>> > You are exactly right that being a parent is NOT an entitlement. And
> those
>> > of us who dealt with infertility, and/or miscarriages, and then go on
>> > to
>> > adopt, well, we certainly don't feel entitled.
>>
>> Some do though, feel entitled. They think they have more money, or are
>> better situated in life, and while they wait to be chosen for an
>> adoption placement, they ***** about those women who can just whip them
>> out.
>>
>> I sure think we deserve to
>> > parent, if we chose to, after all we've been through.
>>
>> I do not think anyone deserves to parent. Every child deserves a good
>> parent is more like it. And because you've been through a lot, the
>> collective you who are infertile, does not guarantee you'll be a better
>> parent than a bio parent. In fact, what you have said about, is a
>> major red flag to me as far as being ready to adopt. You, or anyone
>> else who has been through a lot, (that would also include me),
>> deserves to parent. That would be an entitlement. No one is entitled
>> to parent, but every the truth remains, every child is entitled to good
>> parenting.
>>
>> But I don't think
>> > anyone is entitled to any baby.
>> >
>> > I have tremendous respect for my daughters' first mothers, and have
>> > told
> one
>> > of them that many times. She has also told me, many times, that
> although
>> > she regrets that she got pregnant, she doesn't regret choosing us to
be
> her
>> > child's family.
>>
>> This is what she says now. She could change her mind about that as
>> time goes on.
>> In fact, it is not unusual for many bmoms to change their position
>> later, down the road.
>> Denial is a funny thing. Also, some bmoms won't be honest with the
>> adoptive mother in fear if they did, the adoption would become closed.
>> Many adoptions become closed if the bmom becomes non-compliant or shows
>> too much emotion. The bmom is still expected to just get over it.
>> Let's face it, her job is to provide a baby for the childless, and be
>> strong for her child. What a contradiction.
>>
>> My other daughter's first mother disappeared after placing
>> > her child with us, and we haven't heard from her since.
>>
>> More than likely, it's because she couldn't handle seeing her child in
>> another woman's arms more than her regard for her child. This is a
>> pretty common scenario in today's adoptions.
>>
>> > Anyway, Kathy, I'd be interested in hearing your thoughts on these
> issues,
>> > if you are interested in having a conversation with me.
>>
>> Well, there you have it. :-)
>>
>> Kathy
>>
>> If you are only
>> > interested in ba****ng me, please don't bother.
>> > --
>> >
>> > Jamie
>> > Earth Angels:
>> > Taylor Marlys, 1/3/03 -- Who's got the Christmas spirit, singing all
>> > day
>> > long, "You put one foot in front of the other, and soon you'll be
> walking
>> > out the doooo-oooo-ooor!
>> > Addison Grace, 9/30/04 -- My Little Ham, who smiles so big her eyes
>> > disappear and she says, "Cheese" on command. Although it sounds more
> like
>> > "eeeeeesssshhh"!
>> >
>> > Check out the family! -- www.MyFamily.com, User ID: Clarkguest1,
> Password:
>> > Guest
>> > Become a member for free - go to Add Member to set up your own User
ID
> and
>> > Password
>> >
>> > "Holly Sox" <jmsjr@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> wrote in message
>> > news:drgehb$dqnr$1@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
>> > >I was talking about being forced into thinking about one's fertility
>> > >at
>> > >all.
>> > > For some fortunates, pregnancy happens exactly when they want it
to.
> For
>> > > some others, still fortunate, it happens when you weren't
expecting,
> but
>> > > isn't a huge, life-shattering catastrophe (like my first pregnancy
> was) .
>> > > I
>> > > would think very, very, very few little girls grow into womanhood
and
>> > > analyze all the possibilities of life and fertility and
infertility,
> and
>> > > plot out our feelings about each possibility.
>> > >
>> > > Until we are backed into the corner of IF (as I was later) , most
of
> us
>> > > never think about it. And the journey through the feelings is
> intensely
>> > > personal and individual and must be taken at one's own pace.
>> > >
>> > > To be so angry and ugly in response to honest soul-searching and
>> > > questions,
>> > > you must really still have some issues about your situation. Sorry
> about
>> > > that. But try to get a grip. Jeez.
>> > >
>> > >
>> > > Holly
>> > > --
>> > > <Meagan787@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> wrote in message
>> > > news:1138295066.669147.322740@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
>> > >>
>> > >> Holly Sox wrote:
>> > >> > I'm pretty sure she means she's a birth mother. Please be aware
> that
>> > >> > not
>> > >> > all of us feel that way. Vicki, I've been following your posts
on
> aip
>> > > and
>> > >> > here, and don't think you're taking it lightly at all. IF and
> adoption
>> > > are
>> > >> > HUGE issues that most of us never consider until we are forced
>> > >> > into
> it.
>> > >>
>> > >> What do you mean by *forced into it*? Like last resort?
>> > >>
>> > >> If so, Blech. Being a parent is not an entitlement.
>> > >>
>> > >> Kathy
>> > >> first mother
>> > >>
>> > >> You
>> > >> > need to work through all your feelings about all of it, and the
>> > > financial
>> > >> > stuff doesn't make it any easier.
>> > >> >
>> > >> > (((((Vicki))))))
>> > >> >
>> > >> > Holly
>> > >> >
>>
>
>
|
